The 9 Worst Mistakes Stepparents Make

Mistake #1: You try to be the cool parent :

“Many times, stepparents just want to be liked,” says Dr. Durvasula, so they’ll try to win over kids by buying them gifts or bending rules. Those tactics can be harmful, though, says LuAnn Schindler, a stepmom and teacher from Norfolk, NE. “Giving in to a kid’s every whim can erode the parent-child relationship,” she says. “When a student of mine wanted certain name-brand jeans, her stepmom got them, despite the high price. The stepdaughter controlled the relationship and talked negatively about her stepmom to other students—it wasn’t healthy.”

Cari Andreani, a teacher in Jacksonville, FL, who’s worked with divorced families, suggests bonding through shared experiences instead. “Go for a bike ride or cook dinner together,” she says. “Try to do a joint activity at least once a month.”

Mistake #2: You expect to be an instant happy family :

Peggy Nolan, executive director of The Stepmom’s Toolbox, says that stepfamilies take about seven years to blend. And yet, “people in stepfamilies are expected to act and behave like first families, which is like pounding a square peg into a round hole,” she says.

“You have to earn admission into your family,” explains Connie Brooks, a stepmom from Venice, CA. “For years I felt invisible when my husband and stepdaughters reminisced over stories. It took all my willpower to keep smiling while my gut clenched. Then, one day, my stepdaughter started telling a new story—and I was a part of it.”

Mistake #3: You let your stepkids be rude to you :

Dr. Durvasula says children may resent an incoming stepparent and treat him or her disrespectfully. Still, many stepparents put up with this behavior because, again, they’re hoping to get their stepchildren to like them.

Schindler suggests dealing with stepkids’ criticism matter-of-factly, recalling her own stepdaughter’s remarks while making muffins one day. “As I mixed the batter, she said, ‘You're making them wrong. My mom doesn’t make muffins this way.’ Throughout the weekend, she pointed out several things her mom and I did differently. My answer was the same every time: Shrug the shoulders and explain there are different ways to do things,” she says. “Soon, it became a non-issue.”

Mistake #4: You assume the role of a parent right away :

“New stepparents try to discipline without establishing trust,” says Nolan, typically because they’ve been given the go-ahead from their spouses. “That leads to mistrust and disrespect, which ultimately leads to dislike.”

Try being invested in your stepkids’ lives without overstepping bounds, suggests Brooks. “Be a caring, responsible adult figure, much like a loving aunt, uncle or grandparent,” she recommends. “You can act like a parent when your stepchildren are about to do something irrevocably stupid and you’re the only one around to stop it. But you have to not be the parent pretty much every other time.” Dr. Durvasula says this is especially true when both original parents are very involved in the kids’ lives

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Mistake #5: You set your personal expectations too high :

Stepparents may feel enormous pressure to get things “right,” especially given those long-held social stigmas (wicked stepmother, anyone?) that come with the job. “I thought I had to be Super Stepmom, Wonder Wife and She-Ra all rolled into one,” says Nolan. “I turned into an exhausted, overwhelmed, angry control freak.”

Once she stopped trying to be the best, everything changed. “As soon as I let go of the things I thought I had to do as a stepparent, life in my home became more peaceful, my marriage flourished and my relationship with my stepson became rock solid.”

Mistake #6: You badmouth the other parent :

When child support payments are late or your spouse’s ex misses yet another school play, it’s tempting to speak up—but don’t. “Keeping quiet nurtures your bond with your stepchildren because they’ll never feel like you’re making them choose between parents,” says psychotherapist Christina Steinorth, who works with stepfamilies in her private practice in Santa Barbara, CA.

If possible, Brooks suggests developing a relationship with the ex. “It’s not just weddings and funerals that require the whole family; it’s graduations and holidays, new homes, babies, illnesses and more. So you may as well get comfortable with each other and avoid a lifetime of schedule juggling.”

Mistake #7: You don’t give your stepchildren enough alone time with your spouse :

A misstep that’s quite common, even among veteran stepparents, says Steinorth, is forgetting that your stepkids may need one-on-one time with their original parent. And it often happens because stepparents feel threatened by their spouses’ relationship with their children, she says. “The original parent has a shared history with his kids that the stepparent doesn’t have, which can lead to feelings of insecurity and envy.”

But allowing them quality alone time is crucial. When you encourage your spouse to be with his children, “it sends the message that there’s no competition between you and the kids for his affection, which shows you truly want to see your stepchildren happy,” explains Steinorth.

Mistake #8: You deprioritize your relationship with your spouse :

Judy Osborne, a marriage and stepfamily therapist, says many couples neglect their marriages in favor of bolstering the bond between stepparent and stepkids. But there are major benefits for children if they see a healthy adult relationship. “Using lots of energy to help stepparents and stepchildren like each other isn’t as helpful as having a good space for the couple to grow together,” explains Osborne.

She stresses the importance of having couple time. “Hire a babysitter occasionally, even if the kids are only in your house for a short while each month,” she says. “This demonstrates to each other as adults—and to the kids—that the grownup relationship is as vital as the stepchild-stepparent relationship.”

Mistake #9: You take it personally when children favor their “real” parent over you :

“During those family rituals—weddings, new babies and the unhappier realities of sickness and death—it’s easy for a stepparent to feel left out,” notes Osborne. Dr. Durvasula adds, “Even after 25 years, it’s possible that a daughter will want her father, not her stepfather, to walk her down the aisle.”

But stepchildren—regardless of age—may feel pressure from their original parents not to give their stepparents as big of a role in family events, says Steinorth. “Show your support by not participating in the ‘you have to like me best’ game.” 

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How to Ace the Parent-Teacher Conference

It was November 2012, my son's first grade parent-teacher conference. I entered the room with my realist hat on and sat down in the tiny chair at the table with the teacher and my husband. I was ready to hear positive feedback about my son's academic performance and likely some less than positive feedback about his silliness in the classroom (that was his pre-Kindergarten teacher's word for his very excitable-but-hard-to-bring-back-down personality). I was prompt, aware, and ready to go.

What I was not prepared for was the teacher's opening line: "He is the impetus for all of the problems around him." 

She did not appreciate his silliness nor his desire to help (albeit, untimely) those around him during work time. Ten seconds. Eleven words. Ten gallons of tears. 

Luckily, I have become a more seasoned parent-teacher participant. Armed with more conference experience, anecdotal accounts from teachers, parents, and teacher educators, and published research on parent-teacher conferences, I can now offer some fresh perspective on the parent-teacher conference.  

(Factoid: Parent-teacher conferences began in the 1930s.)

Which Type of Conference Parent Are You?

The Protector.  Patty Protector is the person who goes into the conference and wants to protect her child. She is doting and provides justifications for her child's behaviors. Good behaviors are welcomed and other behaviors are met with the "not my child" sentiment.

The Defender.  Danny Defender is a contributor to the recent generation of college students (those who are criticized for having a strong sense of entitlement and are called the "millenials"). These parents will defend their children. It is never the child's fault or the parent's fault. In fact, it is often the teacher's fault or the school's fault if anything goes wrong. And if that doesn't work, then, well, it is society's fault.

The Catastrophizer.  Cathy Catastrophizer sheds 10 gallons of tears in the parent-teacher conference. She hears what the teacher says (the constructive criticism, that is) and thinks the worst. Of course, teacher delivery of the criticism can matter here (and dare I say, can provoke Cathy.

The Statue.  Sammy Statue goes into the conference and sits. He attends and hears the teacher, but does not listen. He takes the report card and indifferently leaves the conference without much ado.

The Sponge.  Sally Sponge demonstrates great objectivity in her ability to listen intently, absorb what the teacher shares, ask appropriate questions, and then leave with a plan of action which appropriately includes attention to both her child's areas of strength and weakness.

Why the Parent-Teacher Conference?

Regardless of whether you are a Patty, Danny, Cathy, Sammy, or Sally, parent-teacher conferences are important for a host of reasons.  Some benefits:

• An opportunity for you and your child's teacher to share information that can promote your child's success in both academic and social areas

• Clarification of grades and curriculum (this can help Patty Protector and Danny Defender)

• Face-to-face time to get to know one another (after all, teachers spend nearly 40 hours per week with their students). Perhaps this can encourage Sammy Statue to warm up and get involved

We can also look to the powers that be for additional advice. The American Federation of Teachers in 2010 said that two-way communication between the child's caregivers and teachers is essential for school success. They also suggest that other ways to build strong partnerships with your child's teacher include participating in parent-teacher organizations or school councils, reviewing work sent home from school and commenting where appropriate, keeping in communication with the teacher via phone, email, or school/grade/teacher website. 

What Should You Do at Conference Time?

Many parents can be convinced that conferences are a good idea. Yes, they may induce some anxiety in parents and even teachers, but it is hard to argue that parents and teachers should not communicate. Now that conference season is in full swing, what should you do to maximize the experience?

• Open up a two-way line for communication. Conferences should also be a time for parents to discuss things with the teachers, not only for teachers to feed information to parents

• Bring specific questions to the conference (e.g., How do you grade homework assignments?)

• Take note of the classroom space and look at your child's desk

• Talk to your child about the conference so that he or she knows that there is communication between you and the teacher

• Stay objective! Join me and set Cathy Catastrophizer free.  Be a Sally Sponge.  Be objective. Listen to the teacher's comments and avoid attacks!

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10 Things You Should Never Say to Your Kids

1. "I know you can try harder" :

Frustrated by a daughter who you know is capable of much more in school, sports, music, etc.? While you (hopefully!) aren’t saying such obviously hurtful things as “You are so lazy!”, any comment that makes it seem as though you’re not satisfied with her efforts can not only be discouraging to your child, it can also do the opposite of motivating her to try harder, says McCready. If your “try harder” has to do with tasks or chores, be clear about what you expect: “When you have your room cleaned up, then you can go out and play.” If you’re talking about academics, “take note of times she does go the extra mile,” such as: “Wow! That extra time spent on your book report really shows!”

2. "Are you sure you need that second cupcake?"

Yikes. You have good intentions—keeping your child fit and healthy—but you’re better off steering clear of any talk that might foster a negative body image, says McCready. If you’re worried about what your child eats at home, use actions, not words, such as stocking your kitchen with healthy foods rather than junk and emphasizing family physical activity like after-dinner walks. That way, if there are cupcakes at a party, your child’s fine to indulge. And walk the walk yourself; you mix your message if you tell your kid to keep his hands out of the cookie jar while you’re inhaling potato chips. Incidentally, the same goes for telling your child that he’s a “great” eater; try to avoid labels (he’s my picky child; she’s such an adventurous eater; this one needs to stay away from treats) because “you never want to turn food into a power issue,” says McCready. As best you can, keep food-related comments specific and positive: “Wow, I see you tried the squash soup!”

3. "You always…" or "You never…"

Undeniably, it’s tempting—almost a reflex at times—to spit out an always (“You always forget to put your socks in the hamper!”) or a never (“You never remember to call me when you’re running late!”). But be careful because those two words are a minefield, says Jenn Berman, PhD, a psychotherapist and author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids. “At the heart of ‘You always’ and ‘You never’ statements are labels that can stick for life.” Kids become what we tell them they are, so telling your child that he “always” forgets to call makes him more likely to be the kid who, you guessed it, never calls. Instead, ask your child how you can help him or her change: “I notice you seem to have trouble remembering to bring home your textbooks. What can we do to try to help you remember?” suggests Dr. Berman.

4. "Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother?"

Siblings and rivalry go hand in hand—and anything you say that sets up comparisons only fuels that natural flame, says McCready. If you’re saying, for example, “Your brother is practicing piano and he sounds great—why can’t you do that?” you’re essentially telling your child that piano is his brother’s thing, and he’s not measuring up. “Comparisons slot siblings into categories—the smart one, the athlete—and discourage kids from trying the thing their sibling is ‘good’ at.” Try instead to encourage each child in whatever pursuits are “his” or “hers,” while avoiding comparisons.

5. "I told you waiting until the last minute was a mistake!"

You repeatedly informed your middle-schooler that if he played video games all afternoon, he’d have less time to study for the math test. And guess what? He stayed up too late, went to school sleepy and unprepared, and didn’t do as well as he could have on the exam. But any time you say “I told you so” to your child, you’re in effect telling him you’re always right, and by contrast he's often wrong or a screw-up, says McCready. When he comes home with the poor grade, resist the “I told you so” urge and instead ask him if the two of you could brainstorm some smarter ways to study the next time. Also, “point out the positives that occur when he does follow through,” says McCready. For example, if he cleans up his room when asked, saying “Isn’t it easier to find all your stuff when your room’s tidy?” puts the control and the credit with him—not you.

6. "You’re the best at soccer!"

It may seem obvious that denigrating your child’s efforts (“You’re no artist!”) can be damaging, but in fact, even the positive pronouncements can be bad because they are limiting, says McCready. “Say you always tell your child how smart she is. She may, over time, become scared of trying new things or more challenging work, for fear she won’t be ‘smart’ anymore if she gets a B instead of an A.” It can also backfire if your child is struggling with work and you say, “But you’re so smart!” She may only feel worse for not living up to the label you’ve given her. But what if your child is not a great soccer player? If she enjoys it, that’s enough. But if she feels she’s not good at it, she may be less likely to try a different sport later on, says McCready. Focus instead on her hard work: “You show up to every practice and try your best,” or “What a fantastic job on this science project!”

7. "Don’t worry—the first day of school will be fine."

What’s wrong with trying to soothe an anxious kid out of worry? “If you tell your child not to worry, you’re dismissing her feelings,” says Dr. Berman. “So now, she’s still worried about the first day of school, and she’s worried that she’s worried, or that you’re upset over her worry.” Same goes for “Don’t cry” and “Don’t be angry.” Instead, say, “I can see you’re worried. Can you tell me what you’re most concerned about, so we can talk about it?”

8. "Because I said so!"

We've all been there—you just need to get out the door and you don’t have time to explain why you need to switch off the computer and head to a family event/doctor’s appointment/religious obligation. “Because I said so,” puts all the control in your hands, and dismisses your child’s growing sense of autonomy and ability to figure things out, says Dr. Berman. “Because I said so” also leaves out a potential teaching moment. Let’s say your kids don’t want to visit their aging great-aunt on a sunny day when they’d rather ride their bikes. “Because I said so” only makes them feel less in control of what they are able to do. Instead, try, “I know you’d rather ride your bike, but Aunt Clara really loves seeing you, and we try our best to honor our family.” That way, even if they continue to grumble, they know their feelings matter; plus, they’ve learned a valuable lesson about how you conduct yourselves as a family.

9. "I wish you didn’t hang out with Jack; I don’t like that kid."

Yeah, a lot of parents don’t like “that kid,” for whatever reason, but “the moment you tell your child that ‘that kid’ is not your favorite, he becomes more appealing,” says Dr. Berman. Evaluate, first, what you don’t like about Jack. Is he just not your cup of tea, or does he present some sort of danger you don’t want your child exposed to? If it’s the former, grit your teeth. If it’s the latter, though, “Ask your child some open-ended questions,” says Dr. Berman. “What do you like about hanging out with Jack? What do you guys do?” The idea is to keep the lines of communication open between you two, and hopefully spark discussion about values, right and wrong, and so on.

10. "That’s not how you do it! Here, let me."

You asked your child to stir the soup, or fold the towels, or wash the car. Sure, you want the help—but then she kind of does a not-so-great job. Depending on how much of a perfectionist you are, it can be tough to hold yourself back from just jumping in and taking the task back, “But that’s a mistake, because then she never learns how, and is less likely to try anything else you ask down the line,” says Dr. Berman. If you can stand messy folding or a less than clean car, let it go. Or, you can step in but in a collaborative rather than dismissive way: “Here, let me show you a neat trick my mom taught me about folding towels!”

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10 Things Children of Divorce Wish Their Parents Wouldn't Do

Marriages come and go, but divorce is forever, to quote the late, great Nora Ephron. While you may be able to move on to another man, your children will always be tied to you and your ex—and any drama from that relationship. With this in mind, adult children of divorce share what bothered them as kids—and still irks them today—about their parents’ post-split behavior. Plus, experts weigh in on what divorced parents should do instead.

1. Badmouthing the other parent :

 Stacey’s parents divorced when she was 18, and they disparaged each other for years. "The destruction of the family is painful enough without being involved in the parents’ marital strife," she says. Negative talk damages children's self-esteem, adds Susan Saper Galamba, a divorce and family attorney in Overland Park, KS. "Whether it’s genetics or environment, a child’s bound to have attributes of both parents. When one parent repeatedly speaks negatively about the other, and then tells a child that she 'sounds just like' the other parent, the child receives the message that she’s bad, too."

2. Discouraging kids from talking about their other parent :

 "Kids want to talk about their lives, including their other parent, without feeling guilty," says Dominique*, whose parents divorced when she was younger. Psychologist Terri Orbuch, PhD, a relationship expert for OurTime.com, adds, "Even if an adult child speaks negatively about the other parent, she doesn't want the parent who’s listening to add to that negativity." Instead, help her identify solutions to the problem at hand.

3. Divulging the dirty details of the divorce :

Stacey began to resent her father after her mother offered uncomfortable info about the split. Sparing kids details makes divorce easier on them, says Allison Pescosolido, founder of the Divorce Detox program. "When you need consoling about how horribly their dad treated you, get actionable advice from a pro; don’t look to your kids,” she adds. Also avoid mentioning particulars like child support, says Sheila Blagg, CEO of Divorce2Dating.com, an online network for separated and divorced individuals. "A child should never know if a parent isn’t paying," she says. "It may make her feel that her dad or mom doesn’t love her enough to support her."

4. Keeping kids completely in the dark :

 Still, some key information is worth sharing, depending on the situation and your children’s ages, says Pescosolido. For instance, Anna felt deceived after her parents kept the reason for their divorce secret from her for a year. "My parents split because my dad’s gay," she says. "It's better to be open than trying to ignore an issue because you’re embarrassed."

5. Skipping family events because your ex will be there :

 Unless there are extenuating circumstances, like abuse, you’ll likely need to attend some of the same events. Galamba says that adult children of divorce often dread coordinating special occasions with their parents. "Blending families when someone remarries is hard enough, but dealing with one or both parents refusing to attend gatherings can be near impossible," she says. "If parents aren’t careful, they may not get invited at all."

6. Making the situation all about you :

If you agree to go somewhere your ex will be, handle the encounter gracefully. Frankee, whose parents have been divorced since she was eight, says her mother’s anguish over being near her father ruined big moments. "When I graduated from college, my mom wouldn't hug me until I'd said goodbye to my dad," she says. Blagg recommends ex-spouses ignore each other, rather than cause a scene, which only mortifies children. "Choose your seats wisely," she advises. "You don’t have to greet one another, but remember that you’re going to be dealing with this individual for years to come."

7. Making kids feel guilty for spending time with their other parent :

 If you and your ex have joint custody, then your kids inevitably will be spending time with their other parent on a regular basis, as well as during some holidays. Galamba says that parents need to remember that although they divorced their spouses, their children didn’t. "Don’t tell the kids how lonely you’ll be when they’re with the other parent, or that you’re sorry they have to spend time with him," she says. "Instead, tell them to have fun, and consider their time away as 'court-ordered' relaxation."

8. Justifying your bad behavior :

 P.J., whose parents divorced when she was a kid, says that her dad's defense of his affair made the split harder on her and her sister. "I asked him years later if he was sorry for what he did and he defiantly said, 'No, and I'd do it again,'" she says. "Where was the father who taught me right from wrong? He damaged his credibility with me." Pescosolido says that affairs are strictly parents’ business—knowing the truth can damage your relationship with your children and cause them to have trust issues within their future relationships, she says.

9. Putting your kids in the middle :

 Jessa* recalls delivering child support checks from her father to her mother until she was 20 years old, which she says was humiliating. Kids simply shouldn't be a go-between, Dr. Orbuch says. "If their mother or father wants a message relayed to the other parent, or they need to make a decision together, they should talk to each other," she says. And, this should go without saying, but never grill your child for details on the other parent's life.

10. Making everyone feel your unhappiness :

The pain of divorce can last a long time, but don't transfer it onto your children. Lindsay’s mother still vocalizes her bitterness about her split. "It hurts me when she says, 'The past 30 years have been a waste,'" she admits. "I feel like I’ve been a hassle." Galamba says that no child constantly wants to hear how her parent was wronged. "The 'woe is me' game can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Many adult children start showing a preference for the parent who was portrayed as 'blameworthy."

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10 Things Your Teenager Wont Tell you

1. She needs privacy :

“I hate that my parents don’t give me any personal space,” says Eleanor, 14. “And I hate that they don’t think I need it.” Even if your children share a room, give each child an area that’s off-limits to everyone else in the family (including you), such as a desk or a spare closet. To show that you respect your teen’s privacy, don’t rummage through her personal space unless you have a concrete reason to believe that she’s lying to you or hiding something serious. And remember: “All kids today are doing drugs” isn’t a concrete reason.

2. Sometimes he just needs you to listen : 

“I want to tell my mom and dad everything,” says Keegan, 13, “but I don’t want to listen to them nag.” Understand that sometimes your kids just want a sounding board—they’re not looking for you to solve all their problems. When your son complains that his science teacher is being unfair or his soccer coach has been extra-hard on him, encourage him to talk by asking open-ended questions. (“Well, how does that make you feel?”) Don’t jump in with advice or threaten to intervene.

3. She may be dating—even if you’ve explicitly said she can’t :

“I didn’t tell my parents about a guy I dated for a year, because they didn’t allow me to have boyfriends,” says Marla, 15. “They knew we hung out, but I’d say, ‘Oh, we’re just friends.’” Try to be relaxed when it comes to dating—even if it’s killing you. Instead of forcing your daughter to sneak around, let her start with group dates, where at least four other kids are with her and her date at all times.

4. He may not be getting great grades on every assignment :

“I don’t tell my parents when I get a bad grade because I don’t want to listen to them tell me how I’ve let them down,” says Sam, 16, who says he occasionally fails a quiz but usually makes up for it with better exam scores. “There are nights I just don’t feel like studying!” Sometimes one bad grade is just that: one bad grade. If your son feels like he can vent to you about bombing a quiz or a book report, you won’t have to wait until the end of a semester to find out he’s struggling in school.

5. She doesn’t want to talk to you about sex :

“My mom knows I’ve kissed a boy,” says Sonia, 15, “but I don’t want to tell her anything else. It’s my life, not hers.” The good news is, in a 2005 government survey, less than half of high school students (47 percent) said they’d had sex. Still, it’s safest to assume your teen is in that 47 percent and educate her about birth control or preventing STDs. Don’t press her for personal details, but do offer advice; use third-person examples if it helps.

6. He hates when you don’t hold his siblings accountable :

“I hate that my parents don’t care how my youngest brother acts,” says Henry, 13. “When he swears or picks a fight with me or my older brother, they say, ‘He’s 7. He doesn’t know any better.’ But when I was his age I would have been in big trouble for swearing.” While it’s natural to become more lax as you have more children, it’s important to consider each unique situation, not just your children's ages. Remember, all of your kids will respect you more if they think you’re a fair and reasonable parent.

7. She wishes you’d cut her some slack :

“It makes me sad when my mom screams at me when I’m already down,” says Erin, 17. Even if your daughter seems to screw up every time you turn around, it’s important that she doesn’t feel like you’re constantly coming down on her. When you’re upset, take some deep breaths; a few minutes might give you perspective (is it really worth it to lose your cool over dirty laundry?) and a chance to evaluate your daughter’s mood. Perhaps she’s ignored the laundry because she’s stressed about school or antsy about a boy who hasn’t called her back.

8. He lies to stay out of trouble :

“Sometimes I don’t come home because I’m too drunk to drive,” says Aaron, 19. “If I told my parents that, they’d flip out, so I lie.” While it would be irresponsible to give underage drinking the green light, you don’t want your child to be in an unsafe situation because he’s rushing to be home on time. If your son calls just before curfew and says he needs a ride, save your questions (and lectures) for the morning.

9. She gets frustrated when you use her age to your advantage :

“I can’t stand it when my parents say, ‘You’re 17. Act like a grownup,’ one day, and then turn around and say, ‘You’re not old enough to do that. You’re only 17,’ the next,” says Izzy. “Which is it? Make up your mind!” Since “age-appropriate” is subjective, try to give your child hard-and-fast rules that aren’t dependent on a number. (“Every member of this family attends church on Sunday,” or “Visiting friends at college isn’t allowed until you’re in college yourself.”)

10. He wishes you would trust him :

“My parents don’t trust that I don’t do drugs,” says Steven, 15. “And I really hate that they believe what other people tell them instead of what I tell them.” Constantly accusing your kids of this or that—especially if your accusations are unfounded—breeds mistrust. Eventually they’ll do something dishonest just because they’re sick of being wrongly accused. Trust your kids until they give you a real reason not to.

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